Posted in From the Collection of Unrequited Love

Fuck Buddies

From a Book of Unrequited Love.

Have you ever had that mind-blowing sex? Sex that heals you, make you and hold you. The dick makes me feel like a woman. The dick that makes you feels like you are in love. For a moment, you held everything in your hands. Until it’s time to let them go. Is sex just sex? Can sex have no attachments at all? Would it be like having a dance with someone, say thank you and move on? You have held love so close that you can taste. You can smell it. But that’s just the smell of sweat, nakedness, fuck and cum.

How does he not feel this? When you have given him every little piece of you that you have left. You can’t say love through words so you speak it through each touch. Why can’t we just say “I love you”, “I miss you”, “I am thinking about you”, It’s not that hard? We are afraid of the reaction of when the words meet unexplainable responses. Before we realize it, even that meaningless sex could not happen anymore. Perhaps, we are both afraid of a broken heart.

No one wants to get hurt. No one wants to be alone. It’s the first time that “wanting” didn’t hurt that bad. Love shouldn’t hurt. Rejection hurts. The deep longing for them replaces the place of loving them. The longing is what you hold onto in the night. It keeps you warm at night as you flip through the pictures in the darkness. It is not the person we long for after all. Let’s be honest, we don’t know anything about each other but how each other’s bodies respond to touch. It is the feeling of someone so close to us that we feel that could be love. All I could feel was how cold and empty that longing was.

It is scary to say that you are in love. So, you say that it is just sex. Before you know it, someone’s heart is breaking. I would have lost myself to the utter despair of missing him. I would close my eyes and feel his touch on my skin as I remember the feeling of orgasm. I remember the jokes and laughs out of nowhere. And as the memories of your touch leave me – just as many had done before you – I began to realize that we just fuck buddies.

Author:

Bridget Zhang is a dancer. performer. choreographer. teacher. writer. photographer. lover. daughter. granddaughter. niece. family. friend.

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