From a Book of Unrequited Love
The moment I heard about his engagement, it was not by the word of mouth. Rather, it was by social media. Ironic, that in this 21st century you can still be friend with your ex- on Facebook. We never see or talk to each other personally. It is merely the superficial circles of likes and hearts. I think in a way, it was the last form of communication we had with each other.
He was my first love. The one who showed me how a man should be. He was silly, easy going, particular, never really knew what he wanted to do. I desperately waited. He was not there to rape me, or beat me, or to sell me off. He cared. He got me flowers. We played basketball. We both sucked at it. We went dancing. He came to my shows. We talked for hours. We lay in his dorm room skin to skin. He was the first man who showed me, love. He was my first love and my first heartbreak.
I was a freshman and he was a senior. After he graduated, I was a sophomore, crying over him. He went to Germany. I let him go. I was in an abusive relationship and struggling with drugs.
Five years later, we finally moved back into our hometowns together. I was single. He was single. Both recovering from a previous heartache. We went drinking. I watched him flirt with all the girls but me. Five years had passed and our feelings the same. Fate has brought us back together one more time. For some reason, we never could make it work. But, hell, we loved each other. And I was always the one to go home with him at night.
I remember when he first met his fiancé. He kept on breaking our weekend plans to spend time with her. Every week, I looked forward to the weekends at his house. A few weeks later, he tells me about her. I felt the overwhelming sensation of betrayal and the bittersweet happiness for him. He was ready to settle down, just wasn’t with me. Although he loved me. I was still a flighty one. Being bipolar makes me get attached really fast. My emotions were never dependable. I didn’t deserve him. He was so patient with me through all my useless soap operas. We had always tried to make it work. I was torn over him. My mind is a constant whirlpool. Confused.
He started seeing her more and more. Soon, she started to tag along in our outings. I have never seen him look at anyone the way he looked at her. I was shattered. I loved him for almost half of my life. This new girl walks in and she is not even that pretty. What does she have that I didn’t? I told him he deserves someone better than me. He deserves someone who can care for him the way he cared for me. Seven years, I loved him and I still do.
I told him I couldn’t see them together anymore. It was getting too hard. It broke his heart that I had to let him go. There was no way we can be “just friends”. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to be free. He kept on fighting for me. Every time I ignore his calls and text messages, my heart breaks. I don’t deserve him.
Nine years had passed, I don’t hear from him anymore. Only on Facebook did I see that they are engaged. I flipped through their pictures on my computer screen. I smiled.